Tales From the Crypt Special
by Jessica Yuy vs Solo Maxwell
Summary: Okay I am Jade Dragon only my name hates me now... Hehe ^^;;
1. And all through the House

Ratings: umm... no clue I'm writing this based off Tales from the Crypt except it's horror, gory stuff, but some humor involved so probably PG-13 to PG-15 I'll warn you later if there is any R but I doubt it. *grins evilly* It's mostly grisly murder and good bloody fun!!! AU  
  
Parings: None really I'm just killed people and punishing them *grins wickedly* Which is a job I shall take the upmost plesure in doing.  
  
Comments: This is going to be one screwed up fic once I'm through. BWA HA HA HA!!! But I hope to do the Crypt Keeper proud with this diddy if not I suppose he'll just be... rolling over in his grave!!! *laughs at her bad joke like the Crypt Keeper would laugh at his* But hats off to you Mr. Crypt Keeper for I shall assume the role and make you proud!!! This fic is dedicated to the Crypt Keeper and everything he stands for in the position of "what goes around comes around". *cackles evilly*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing nor did I have a hand in writing any of the tales or the titles of them that are about to be retold in an idiotic way by a perverted 15 year old SO DON'T SUE ME!!! All I have is my newly acquired Learner's Permit and that you can't have so NAH!!! *sticks her tougue out* ~JadeDragon  
  
Tales from the Crypt  
  
A figure turns in her chair to look at the guests who have decided to visit her humble home, well, crypt rather. Black-brown hair tumbles down her back as she looks at the audience with slate eyes from behind her glasses, her lips twisted into a grin. "Hello kiddies! Isn't this past your bedtime?" She waited a few seconds for a response. "No? You mean you want to hear a story before your bedtime and told by me Jade Dragon no less? A real... screamer you say?" The orginally harmless grin on her face turned postively wicked. "Well then sit back and relax because tonight I shall share with you not one but five tales of ghastly, gruesome horror! So snuggle up with your mummy and grab your blankie... you will need it! And no not for that!" An evil henchman had come over and whispered something really nasty into the Crypt Keeper/authoress's ear. "Joe! That's disgusting! Seriously I'm not THAT bad! Cut me some slack I'm trying to scare these people for five measly bucks per tale! After the show ok?!" Joe the henchman justs smirks evilly as the Crypt Keeper rolls her eyes. "Oh and tell Josh to get up off his lazy rump. I'm doing five tales so I need two evil henchmen isn't that what I pay you people for?!" Quickly she clears her throat and goes back to business, folding her hands in her lap. "Tonight we shall portray five very real sins in five tales: murder, lust, vanity, greed, and cruelty in that order to! Our first tale I appropriately titled And All Through the House. Ho ho ho! Merry Cutlery!"The evil sounds of her laughter echo through the building then you hear the henchman Josh shout, "Try and keep it down Jade!" Steamed, she shouts back, "DO YOU THINK I'M PAYING YOU TO SIT ON YOUR RUMP?! NOW DO WHAT YOU EVIL HENCHMEN ARE SUPPOSE TO DO OR I WILL BE FORCED TO SUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT AGAIN WITH THE VACUUM!" Silence and the scamper of feet follow plus a sigh from the Crypt Keeper. "I love it when the plan comes together." The screen fades to black as the last image is of the Crypt Keeper drinking a Pina Colada.  
  
"And All Through the House"  
  
A short blond-haired bundle of joy bounces around the living room, hardly able to contain his excitement over the gift he was to give his wife this Christmas Eve as little Marimeia was being tucked into bed by Dorthey, his wife.  
  
Finally Quatre finished the small personalized card and attached it to the gift. The gift was a golden heart shaped necklace with a real diamond in the center of it all.  
  
Quatre, feeling quite pleased with the gift to his wife, sat in his favorite chair and read the paper while waiting for his adoring wife to come down the stairs. Only when she came down the stairs he was met with a fireplace poker in the back of his skull.  
  
The young husband fell face first into his newspaper and onto the floor, a smirking blonde wife with freakish eyebrows standing behind him, a bloody poker in hand.  
  
"Merry Christmas Quatre darling", Dorthey said to herself as she smiled sadistically at the murder that had been wrought.  
  
Christmas music continued to play through the radio even as the tall, awkward wife dragged her husband's body to the basement.  
  
Suddenly the Christmas music was interupted followed by a broadcast. "Attention, a homicidal maniac has just escaped from the Happy Arces Mental Asylem along with two other potentially dangerous mental patients. The homicidal trio are dressed as Santa and two elves so take care to lock all your doors and windows. If you see anything suspious contact the local authorites. Do not try to detain these criminals yourself. They are armed and dangerous."  
  
A cheerful voice cuts back in. "And now back to our happy holiday hits! Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."  
  
Music began to play once again as Dorthey continued her labors, placing her husband at the bottom of the stairs to make it appear to be an accident before taking the blood from his newspaper and using it to spill next to his body.  
  
She quickly burns the newpaper and tries to clean the rug when she hears her little girl Marimeia calling.  
  
Dorthey dashes up the stairs to see the red-haired little girl and kneels by her bedside, wiping the bright curling locks away from her daughter's face.  
  
"Yes my little angel?  
  
"When's Santa coming? And his little elves?" Marimeia asked in childish delight.  
  
"Just as soon as you drop off to sleep", her mother replies as she kisses her forehead.  
  
"Goodnight my darling."  
  
The little girl beams and says, "I love you mommy! Merry Christmas!" Then she shouts to a father who can no longer hear her. "Goodnight daddy! Merry Christmas! I love you!"  
  
As Dorthey is tucking in the half asleep little one she hears a strange noise at her front door. Quietly she goes down the stairs but she does not answer the door, remembering the advisory on the radio she systematically begins locking every door and window. As she is about to lock the last window, she sees the face of the homicidal maniac.  
  
The man, his ginger brown hair hidden beneath a Santa cap, tries to smash the window as his helpers attempt the same thing but Dorthey quickly locks the shutters over the window to prevent them from entering.  
  
For the first time that night she breathes a sigh of relief as she sits on the couch and spots the gift from her late husband. Gingerly, she lifts the small package and reads the card.  
  
"Oh sweet Quatre. Too bad you were worth more money dead than alive otherwise I might have kept you around."  
  
Greedily she opened the box to find the gold heart-shaped trinket, the diamond shining in the middle of it.  
  
"Well now this could be worth something as well. Hmm... I may have to sell this later."  
  
With that she tosses the gift aside before hearing her daughter call out to her again. She groaned, walking up the stairs and opening little girl's door and gaping in horror at the scene before her.  
  
Her little angel only replied, "See Mommy I told you Santa and his elves would come!"  
  
The End (add screams here)  
  
The screen fades to black as the Crypt Keeper is still found sitting in her rightful seat, Josh and Joe at her feet while she pet their heads. "Good henchmen. Nice work. Yes you guys are wonderful. Yes you are! Yes you are!" Unfortnately the Crypt Keeper insists on using the sicky sweet voice before clearing her throat and grinning wickedly. "Well kiddies I hope you enjoyed the first of five ghoulish tales. Damn, well you know Dorthey would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for that pesky Trieze psycho nut- job." Joe and Josh clear their throats, crossing their arms over their chests. "Oh yes and his little elves too! Such good henchmen!" She goes back to petting their hair as she continues her speech. "Tune in next time for our second installment titled 'Reflection of Horror'! Just remember just remember kiddies crime does pay until you get your guts spewed everywhere!" Our Crypt Keeper ends the episode by resiting a bad joke and proceeding to cackle evilly at it while Josh and Joe just rolled their eyes. Joe spoke to Josh, "Well at least we get something out of this." Josh then ponders and replies, "Wait a minute we don't get anything for this!" The Crypt Keepers bops them both on the head. "Pipe down! Or I'll have both your brains sucked out and you'll get to enjoy the company of the ever popular Trieze." Out of the corner of Joe and Joshes' eyes they see the man that played the homicidal maniac in Rocky Horror Picture Show get-up and on his back with one leg in the air. Grinning pervertedly he says, "I can be very nice." Josh and Joe both pick this moment to faint as the Crypt Keeper cackles evilly and the screen goes black but before it does you hear Trieze inquire, "What?! Was it something I said?!"  
  
Fine 


	2. Reflection of Horror

Ratings: still PG-13 to PG-15 unless you don't like gore then forget you ha ha ha!!! also this is an AU and a crossover between the Tales from the Crypt movie and Gundam Wing so yeah let's let the good times roll. *grins* umm... don't know about lime or anything sexual as of yet *shrugs* I just write what the voices in my head tell me to write. hehehe oh and sometime later on there will be Beatle's music!!! BWA HA HA HA!!! What? I just got the Magical Mystery Tour CD and I was listening to one of the songs and I thought it would be funny to scare people!!!  
  
Parings: umm... none really well nothing significant people just die that's all *shrugs*  
  
Comments: Oh boy!!! Here we go again!!! LOL Well I got some great feedback which I'm proud of so I've decided to bore you guys with more senseless drabble then you can shake a stick at!!! BWA HA HA HA!!! But anyway I guess I better get on with it before you leave!!! Enjoy!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, Tales from the Crypt, nor the song I Am the Walrus. The big corperations own GW and TFTC and I Am the Walrus is owned by the Beatles... dammit... SO DON'T SUE ME!!! All you'll get is a giant joint from the movie History of the World Part 1 (for those of you who have seen it you know what I'm talking about *grins evilly*) and a copy of the song Strawberry Fields Forever!!! ~JadeDragon  
  
Tales from the Crypt  
  
Tonight the Crypt Keeper, Jade Dragon, is reclined back into a vibrating chair, her body jumping every which way. "Oh! That feels SO good!" All of the sudden the chair breaks down. "Damn it! JOSH!"  
  
The henchman named Josh walks over cautiously, eyeing his boss uneasily. "You bellowed?"  
  
You can hear Joe laughing in the background as The Crypt Keeper glares at Josh. "What did I tell you about this chair?"  
  
"But I wasn't playing in it! It was Joe! I saw him playing with the gadgets!"  
  
Now it's Joe's turn to glare. "Traitor!"  
  
"Damn it! Now I don't have a chair and we have guests! Now what will I do for entertainment?" Suddenly a smirk forms on her face as she turns the evil gaze on Joe.  
  
Joe's glare turns into an expression of fear. "Jade... What is going through that brain of yours?"  
  
Lips smirk wider than before as slate eyes glitter in devilish delight as she uses her unnatural powers to conjure up an unnatural force from deep within. A song in his heart and that song was "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together!" Joe attempts to cover his mouth as Josh rolls all over the floor laughing to the point of choking himself.  
  
The musical number continued, "Corporation teashirt, stupid bloody Tuesday man you been a naughty boy you let yor face grow long." Finally the Crypt Keeper decided to begin even with Joe singing and Josh laughing.  
  
"Evening guys and ghouls! Sorry for the delay but we have been having some technical problems." She grumbles under her breath, "Like the fact that my henchmen are overpayed, overly horny teenagers." Quickly she clears her throat, smiling quickly. "Well kiddies tonight's tale is one that entails lust..."  
  
Suddenly Joe pops in with another verse, "Crabalocker fishwife pornographic priestess boy you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down!" The Crypt Keeper sweatdrops.  
  
"That's not what I meant. But to continue," she composes herself before going on, "Tonight's tale has appropriately been titled 'Reflection of Horror'."  
  
Joe now scream sings and Josh has decided to join in on the chorus, "I AM THE EGGMAN THEY ARE THE EGGMEN I AM THE WALRUS!!! GOOGOOGOOJOOB!!!" The picture fades to black as you see JadeDragon collapse backward in her broken chair and mutter, "I think I should have taken McDonald's offer when they wanted to hire me."  
  
"Reflection of Horror"  
  
Zechs Marquis kissed his children good night for the last time. He then went down the stairs of his home one last time, knowing that he would never return. When he walked into the kitchen his wife Lucrezia or preferably known as Noin smiles and slips her arms around her loving husband's neck, not knowing that he would never return.  
  
"Don't be gone too long dear. I hope this tie-up at the office doesn't take forever."  
  
Zechs smiled back almost sadly before he kissed his wife softly on her lips. "It will be as though I never left. I promise. I love you."  
  
Noin sighed into his chest. "I love you too."  
  
With that Zechs quickly headed out of the door before hopping into his car and driving away, leaving behind his wife and children to fend themselves for he had another agenda. Over at an apartment across town a secret lover awaited his arrival.  
  
An impatient Sally Po was waiting at the front of her complex, suitcases packed and ready to leave her life behind.  
  
"It's about time you got here. I was beginning to think you wouldn't show," she said in a low voice as she smirked and grabbed Zechs, kissing him roughly.  
  
After he pulled away Zechs stroked her cheek, his crystal eyes sparkling. "You know I wouldn't have missed out redezvous for the world. Come on let's get out of here."  
  
An hour later finds them driving through the countryside. Sally had taken the wheel while Zechs began to doze off. Suddenly a loud blaring horn could be heard as a truck on the wrong side plowed into the cars, sending the two lovers flying off the road and into a tree. A moment later Zechs began to move, his body aching. Dazed he stood, trying to piece together what happened when he remembered Sally.  
  
"Sally? SALLY! WHERE ARE YOU?" In vain, he searched the rubble for his lost love. Finally giving up hope he trudged along side the highway when he saw a car approach. He tried to flag them down. They stopped.  
  
"Dude what are you doing out here? It's late," said one voice belonging to Josh.  
  
But as Josh spoke to the man Joe shouted, "Holy shit! What the Hell happened to you?!"  
  
Josh finally gazed at the man, his eyes widened and as screamed to Joe, "HIT THE GAS! DRIVE MAN DRIVE!" Tires squealed as the car sped off into the night.  
  
In dismay Zechs cried, "WAIT! What has happened to me?"  
  
Continuing on what seemed like an endless road he finally reached his home, not realizing he may not be welcome there anymore.  
  
Knocking he waited at the door for his wife, wanting an explanation as to what has happened to him. Noin opens the door as her throat utters the most bloodcurtling scream before slamming the door and running to her new husband.  
  
Zechs watched this helplessly as he witnessed his wife with another man. "Now who can I turn to?" Then it dawned on him: Sally, he had not seen her in the wreckage so she might be able to tell him what has happened.  
  
Once at the apartment complex he silently crept into the building and found her room. He then knocked and waited for what seemed an eternity. The door finally opened to reveal Sally, who did not focus her eyes on him.  
  
"Hello? Who is it?"  
  
"Sally! Oh God Sally! What has happened please!"  
  
"I don't know who you are. I'm sorry."  
  
"Please! It's me Sally! Zechs. Zechs Marquis!"  
  
"Is this some kind of joke?"  
  
"Sally! Please just tell me about the accident! What happened?!"  
  
A deep sigh could be heard as she moved away from the door frame, allowing him to enter and then closing the door. Feeling her way she finally found the couch and sat.  
  
Taking a deep breath she told him what happened. "The night of the accident I lost my sight forever that is why I move about the way I do," she paused then continued, "You say you are Zechs?"  
  
"Yes Sally yes!"  
  
Sally shook her head, ginger colored hair twists flying about. "That's impossible. Zechs Marquis died in that accident two years ago."  
  
"It can't be..." Maddened and in disbelief he looks down at the mirrored coffee table in front of him and saw his reflection. It was that of a half rotted corpse. His once beautiful face and unmarred complexion was bent, broken, and gray in color. Once glossy waist length platinum blond locks had since fallen out of the corpse's skull through death. As the corpse gazed at himself he screamed.  
  
Suddenly Zechs awoke from his nightmare, his body shaking and his palms were wet with sweat. Sally was still at the wheel and he was not dead. As Zechs began to relax a truck blared its horn-arousing him too late-and drove the car off the road into a tree in a nearby ditch.  
  
The End  
  
The screen comes back with the Crypt Keeper, reclining back in her broken chair but using Joe as a footrest. Joe was still singing I Am The Walrus and Josh was sprawled out on the Crypt Keeper's lap, as she pet his lengthy dark hair. "Well kiddies I hope you enjoyed tonight's second tale of ghastly horror. It would appear that Mr. Zechs Marquis never had a spirit of a chance with Sally." The Crypt Keeper threw her head back and laughed at her bad joke as both Josh and Joe rolled their eyes. "Don't you roll your eyes at me!" Joe and Josh both blink as Josh, the only one who can still say things that make sense, says, "Now how the Hell does she do THAT?!" JadeDragon then chose that moment to giggle and pet Josh. "Ahh it's a gift. A woman thing." Suddenly Miss Crypt Keeper clears her throat and speaks to her audience. "Our next bone-chilling masterpiece shall be entitled Poetic Justice. So if you like terrifing riddles then stick around for tomorrow's episode. You might acutally enjoy it! Come on have a... heart..." With that she cackles evilly as another bad joke flies over everyone's head and Joe scream sings, "SEMOLINA PILCHARD CLIMBING UP THE EIFFEL TOWER! ELEMENTARY PENGUIN SINGING HARE KRISHNA MAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THEM KICKING EDGAR ALLEN POE!" At this Josh joins in with Joe once again, "I AM THE EGGMAN, THEY ARE THE EGGMEN, I AM THE WALRUS GOOGOOGOOJOOB!" The screen fades to black as you see JadeDragon chasing after both of them with a plunger, Joe still singing and Josh coming in at every chorus. "MOVE IT JOE!" "I AM THE WALRUS!" "AND YOU'RE BOTH DEAD MEN WALKING!" Ahh the serenity of night...  
  
Fine 


End file.
